Flawed Diadem

My voice when I write I feel is very boisterous and bold. It has something to say and it says it with confidence! In reality I am a quiet person. I am not sure many people notice me. This was especially true of me when I was younger. In Boy Scouts I became an Eagle Scout. When I made my speech accepting my reward the number one comment people gave my parents was "I never knew Jake could speak like that!". Its a small thing which I will come back to. The thought I will leave you with is "I never knew Jake...".

I am flawed I am not sure I even want to make pretense about that. In passing you might hear me say arrogant things that seem to suggest I have a HUGE ego. Something like "Why yes I am amazing!" or "Dang I am good looking." This is pretense on my part. I almost never feel any of those things. While these thing are true and do need to be proclaimed I am very flawed.

I am not sure if I am explaining the "flawed" part well so I will try and explain. Its not really me thats flawed its my diadem of myself thats flawed. Granted I am not perfect and this is not really about my personal sins. Its my concept of my sovereignty. Call it is arrogance if you want, however I am royalty. Maybe not by lineage, maybe not in the eyes of the world, however, I am not small. When I say my diadem of myself is flawed I mean I feel as if I were not princely or even knightly. I see myself in this life as a surf, peasant, low-life, deadbeat, riff-raff ETC... This is blatantly apparent when we go back to the quote I left us with "I never knew Jake.". 

"I never knew Jake..." Its so small not even a direct quote from what people say about me. However it speaks worlds of how I view myself and how I hide myself. How do I know this? I spoke recently at two weddings. One was a good friends wedding, the other was my sisters. The reactions I got you ask? Just guess "I never knew you could speak like that!". 

I knew I could, why on earth did they not? The answer hit me in simplicity and truth. I hid myself from everyone because I don't even believe in myself. 

The impact is huge. If I hate myself, I hide everything about myself from everyone. The cause: My self loathing. The effect: Nobody knows me. My talents are hidden because I don't view them as talents. My gifts squandered because I am afraid to be me. 

If I knew I was a knight I would have a responsibility to share my gifts for the good of others. As a prince I would never be able to be a king if I didn't use all my authority to be the man I am. Royalty and knights both need to wear what is appropriate of their office. They can not hide who they are otherwise nobody would recognize them.

I can cook, I make jewelry, I can take photos, I can write, I can lead people, I can speak, I can listen and I give great advice. I am an interesting person of many talents, who knew? I did, but did you? I am a knight in brilliant but scarred armor. I am a prince that just found out I am not a commoner. The world needs to know. I can not hide my talents anymore its not in my blood. 

Granted this is not easy I need to remind myself over and over. I may fall back into old patterns but I know who I am. I am not the common rabble. 

I am much more and that needs to show.